I Am an Emotional Creature Read online

  I wouldn’t hurt it,

  just put it someplace else.

  It is not a person really.

  It’s a problem

  getting bigger and bigger.

  My girlfriend Juicy told me to do the right thing.

  Just imagine, she said, if your mama had done that to you.

  Well, then I wouldn’t have a problem growing inside me

  and I wouldn’t want to kill myself.

  I like school.

  I want to be an important person.

  I told Juicy, it’s not a baby.

  It’s a maybe.

  I dreamed the other night that I took it

  out to look at it.

  It was really cute and the size of my thumbnail.

  It looked like one of those stickers I put on my notebook

  with the smiley face.

  I tried to put it back in

  but this nurse was there.

  She looked just like J Lo

  except she had really bad hair

  like me.

  She was all nasty and told me it

  was too late

  and why’d I take it out ‘cause

  it was none of my business.

  Maybe it means the baby’s dead.

  That makes me sad

  and a little relieved.

  I mean I would like to meet her.

  I think she might have my face.

  I hope she doesn’t have my hair and thighs.

  I don’t really even know Carlos so well.

  I mean he’s got great clothes

  and knows all the rappers—

  songs that is.

  But he could have craziness in his family

  and then this problem would turn into a crazy person

  and then I would have to spend my whole life

  taking care and worrying that he didn’t end up in jail

  or paying rent while he was just staring off into space eating Big Macs all day.

  My mother says

  if you take a life you go to hell.

  But I am already in hell.

  I don’t even know if I like babies.

  I like the baby clothes.

  They’re all soft and shit, and the little baby shoes

  and hats.

  I could dress her all nice

  but then she would be crying

  and not stop crying

  and I really wouldn’t like that.

  WHAT’S A GOOD GIRL?

  She doesn’t speak to a boy at all

  Has morals

  Tells the truth even if she pisses people off

  Respectable

  Doesn’t argue

  Polite

  Quiet

  She brings her homework with her

  Doesn’t step out of the line

  Follows her parents in everything

  Even if she disagrees

  Goes to church every Sunday

  Stays in on the weekends

  Doesn’t know more than she should

  Asks questions even if she knows the answers

  GIRL FACT

  In Africa, about three million girls a year are

  at risk for female genital mutilation—

  more than 8,000 per day.

  DON’T

  Cairo, Egypt

  Don’t look from the window

  Don’t talk to other girls

  Don’t go out

  Don’t wear tight pants

  Don’t wear pants at all

  My father kicks me out of the nest

  My mother keeps me in

  Don’t shout

  Don’t talk

  Clean. Scrub. Arrange.

  Don’t expect praise

  Don’t fool around

  Don’t go out

  Don’t meet Rania

  Rania’s brother tried to propose to you

  Don’t talk to any girls while you’re selling biscuits

  Don’t be long

  Don’t say no

  It’s time to get engaged

  Don’t stand on the balcony

  Don’t go to the dreams program

  Don’t go late by yourself to the pharmacy

  even if you’re sick

  Don’t talk to your friends

  Don’t worry it’s a regular visit

  Don’t fight it, the razor

  Wake up

  Don’t cry, he needed to cut it off

  Don’t look for it

  It would have made you crazy

  and out of control.

  My father hates girls

  He says they used to bury them

  when they were born.

  No value

  No personality

  This is not your house

  You can’t go out

  Clean. Scrub. Arrange.

  Don’t imagine more

  Don’t stand on the balcony

  Don’t lose your virginity

  Don’t look from the window

  My mother keeps me in

  My father kicks me out

  My brother beats me up

  The doctor cuts me off

  Don’t. Don’t.

  I want to read

  so I can read the Koran

  read the signs in the street

  know the number of the bus

  I’m supposed to take

  when I one day leave this house.

  WOULD YOU RATHER (I)

  (Darkness. Two girls lying on the floor, only a flashlight.)

  GIRL 1

  Would you rather be alone or be with a guy who stutters?

  GIRL 2

  Why do you always want to do this?

  GIRL 1

  Just answer. Would you rather be with someone famous who dumps you or never be with someone famous at all? Would you rather be called a slut or fat?

  GIRL 2

  This is a stupid game.

  GIRL 1

  Just answer.

  GIRL 2

  They’re stupid questions.

  GIRL 1

  Would you rather be blind, deaf, or dumb?

  GIRL 2

  None of the above.

  GIRL 1

  Would you rather get pregnant accidentally or get dumped?

  GIRL 2

  Usually they happen at the same time.

  GIRL 1

  Would you rather be called a dyke or a bitch?

  GIRL 2

  Dyke, definitely.

  GIRL 1

  Okay, I’ll give you a nice one ’cause you answered. Would you rather be the most brilliant or most beautiful?

  GIRL 2

  Both.

  GIRL 1

  Pick one.

  GIRL 2

  Most sarcastic.

  GIRL 1

  Would you rather get HPV or give HPV?

  GIRL 2

  Ew!

  GIRL 1

  Answer!

  STEPHANIED

  I was raised Catholic

  I found Christ

  Then I found Stephanie

  I always find a good thing

  Then I find something better.

  I’m not gay

  I’m not straight

  I’m Stephanied.

  I didn’t do anything if she didn’t do it

  I played house with her

  I held her hand all the time

  Everyone disappeared from my world

  She wore jelly sandals

  She had long black hair

  She hated kickball

  I hated kickball

  She loved super-cinnamon gum

  I loved it too

  Once when I was in her bedroom

  I snuck into her drawers

  I stole her T-shirt

  It was soft and it smelled like her

  Nothing was good unless she liked it

  Nothing was fun unless she wanted to do it with me

  She said you have to give your money to anyone who needs it

  She said it was
important to rehearse for dying

  We used to lie still and hold our breath

  She said we should practice kissing

  She told me to put my tongue in her mouth

  It tastes better when you take your time

  She said you can only love someone

  if they’re your friend.

  I’m not gay

  I’m not straight

  I’m Stephanied.

  GIRL FACT

  Research has shown that girls involved with sports in

  high school are less likely to engage in risky sexual

  behaviors such as high numbers of partners, inconsistent

  or no use of birth control, or engaging in sex while

  under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

  The decrease in girls’ participation in risky sexual behavior

  associated with sports involvement is partly due to a delay

  in sexual initiation and partly to social-psychological

  dynamics such as enhanced self-confidence, a less

  stereotypically feminine gender role identity, and/or a

  stronger desire to avoid teenage pregnancy.

  MOVING TOWARD THE HOOP

  There is a whistle

  and I know I am supposed

  to move go begin dribble

  Whistle

  The ball hot in my hands

  burns

  The clock is on

  I begin my journey down the court

  down this alley in my brain

  Each game

  I weave from end to end

  It’s not the other girls

  who are in my way

  I am fast

  I have the moves

  There are far more deadly obstacles

  that keep me from the hoop

  Blind pass

  She passes back

  Crossover dribble

  They are double-teaming me at the intersection

  Color

  Girl

  Girl

  Color

  Ganging up on my consciousness

  Not sure in which court I stand

  or if I’m either one

  or both

  or something else

  like poor

  or maybe all

  or maybe none

  or maybe

  just ball burning in my hands

  just weaving darting dribbling

  down the court

  Each basket defies what is expected

  because nothing is

  even though they expect us to play ball

  but not me

  not girl

  even if I’m tall

  Which part of me do I ally myself with?

  Which part do I ignore?

  At what moment?

  Which part doesn’t belong?

  Which group will it piss off?

  Which group do I represent?

  I am an athlete

  A girl with strong legs

  and arms

  I train

  I am also the child

  of a Dominican mother

  and a black father

  so I am black

  well brown

  brown and black

  Canela

  Morena

  Indian and girl

  Weave cross

  What goes between

  What stories

  What past

  What ropes around my neck

  What scholarship

  What affirmative action plan

  What resentful boys in my hood

  What champions

  What being best

  What talk show hosts

  What Spanish French U.S. invaders

  of our land

  What ho

  What manly arms

  What nappy-eadedness

  What muscled ugly lesbian

  What never get a man

  What postracial

  biracial

  nonracial

  multiracial

  I almost trip and stumble over ball

  What land they stole

  What bodies in chains

  What indigenous Taino people they killed with their

  white diseases

  What Indians

  What Africans

  What women bound and raped

  What legs

  What race have I been running

  What identity have I been ducking or too defiantly embracing

  What president

  What civil rights leaders dead

  What country

  What team

  What right do I have?

  Who do I think I am?

  What legacy that never ends?

  What Katrina

  What Jena Six

  What Detroit, Watts, Lower Ninth, South Bronx,

  Soweto, Kibera, Eastland, favela, Dharavi, barrio

  What eastern Congo

  What prisons

  What brothers who could have been dribbling

  Who am I girl to take their place?

  Pass now

  Weave

  Think

  What future

  What opportunities

  Must win

  Must get control

  Fake

  Duck

  Lay up

  Overcome

  Break open

  Free of guards

  In possession

  Dunk Score

  SOPHIE ET APOLLINE

  or, Why French Girls Smoke

  SOPHIE

  I started at a party

  I wanted to join in

  I wanted to do what everyone was doing

  At the beginning I didn’t want to smoke

  all the time

  APOLLINE

  I am anxious about the future

  My studies

  Work

  It is very expensive

  How will I ever live in Paris?

  How will I find something I like to do?

  I smoke to avoid the future

  SOPHIE

  I smoke when I’m not happy

  I smoke when I’m sad about my friends

  and family

  When they lie, when they betray me

  APOLLINE

  Sophie is my best friend

  We share a lot of things

  We are supporting each other

  We don’t like the same people

  We don’t like the same girls

  The ones who are really self-confident

  and put the other girls down

  One group totally popular the other not

  SOPHIE

  We are not popular

  You have to talk loud

  You have to be the center of attention

  Popular girls smoke for style

  APOLLINE

  Unpopular girls smoke for stress

  SOPHIE

  My mother is a closet smoker

  She hides like me

  She thinks I don’t see her.

  APOLLINE

  My father thinks his daughter is the perfect girl

  That means good results at school

  No boyfriends

  No sex

  No smoking

  No drugs

  First time I had sex I was sixteen

  It was very bad

  The boy wasn’t my boyfriend

  Just a friend I didn’t want to have sex

  I was a little drunk

  I regret that he wasn’t the boy I liked

  I am with my boyfriend now

  He is gentle. He pays attention to me.

  We have sex one or two times a week.

  SOPHIE

  The first time I was with a boy I didn’t know

  It was very good

  He cared about me

  He said he wasn’t a virgin but I think he was

  He was shy and didn’t know what he was doing

  He was kind with me

  I talk to my
father about sex

  He asks me questions

  He asks if it is good for me and what we did.

  Sometimes I don’t answer

  He says I have to be careful

  Don’t get pregnant and diseases

  APOLLINE

  I wish my parents knew I had a boyfriend

  They wouldn’t approve so I don’t tell them

  SOPHIE

  I like the way I look, the way my hand moves when I smoke. I feel more confident and grown up.

  APOLLINE

  The good future:

  A wonderful job

  A family, three children, two boys and a girl

  I always wanted two brothers, one older, one younger

  I wanted to take care of the younger and wanted the older to take care of me.

  SOPHIE

  The good future:

  I want to have money

  I want to play in the theater

  I want a girl because she’s cute. She will be a princess.

  Beautiful clothes. No problems.

  APOLLINE

  Bad future:

  People don’t care about other people

  They only care about themselves

  People sleep in the streets

  A lot of poor

  SOPHIE

  Teenagers do bad things.

  Drugs and fight

  They don’t realize reality

  They are in a dream

  They only care about themselves and no one else

  APOLLINE

  I can talk to Sophie

  She is my best friend

  I can laugh with her

  When I’m sad I know she will be there for me

  SOPHIE

  I can be myself with Apolline

  She won’t judge me

  I know it’s bad to smoke but I don’t think I’m an addict

  APOLLINE

  I know I’m an addict

  I will stop when my studies finish

  Peut-être

  THINGS I HEARD ABOUT SEX

  It’s loud and scary

  My mother and father were doing it once

  in the next room

  I thought my mother was dying

  It can kill you

  It can free you

  Just say no

  You can say no

  You won’t want to say no

  It’s natural

  It’s healthy

  It’s evil

  Boys want it more than girls

  Girls want it more than boys

  Guys don’t know what they’re doing

  Only allowed to do it when you are making babies

  My mother says it’s spiritual